I live with depression. Usually it is controlled with medicine but sometimes things happen that even with medicine it can't be controlled. Such as losing my mom in June.
I made it through the funeral arrangements with lots of support around me but eventually the people leave and it is just you and the depression....grippling, draining, and overwhelming. The first two weeks I sat on my sofa staring at walls and crying. My kids basically took care of themselves. I have since moved on to just sitting and staring....not so much crying. I have ventured out a couple of times to do some absolute errands but if I can pawn them off on sweet hubby I will just to avoid life.
The ironic thing about depression is that you are literally dying inside out while everyone else is living their lives around you. So I have finally decided that I have to live ...I have to move forward....if not for myself I need to do so for my kids and sweet hubby. So I am blogging again...this time not for entertainment but for journaling.
I miss my mom. I miss talking to her. I miss seeing her. I miss her laugh. I miss my mom. Part of me is so angry that she is gone...it isn't fair, it isn't fair, it isn't fair. Yes, I know the principles of the gospel, yes I know she is in a better place, yes I know, I know, I know....but it doesn't compute right now when I miss her so much. I question why did she have to go when there are so many "stupid, law-breaking, murderers, etc, etc" out there that are NOT contributing to our society and they live on....I know the gospel oriented answer....the Lord needed her more and her time here was done but I need her too and my family needs her.
Each day I set a goal for myself...today I will sew for 30 minutes to 1 hour; or today I will cook something; or today I will go to the store; or today instead of letting voicemail answer I will answer my phone myself and talk to an actual living person and hopefully tomorrow I will have the desire to join the living once again.
Today my goal was to start writing my blog again. I did it. Tomorrow I will take another step into the living world.
For now the doctor is out.....sitting on her couch and crying once more because I miss my mom.
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