I made it through the funeral arrangements with lots of support around me but eventually the people leave and it is just you and the depression....grippling, draining, and overwhelming. The first two weeks I sat on my sofa staring at walls and crying. My kids basically took care of themselves. I have since moved on to just sitting and staring....not so much crying. I have ventured out a couple of times to do some absolute errands but if I can pawn them off on sweet hubby I will just to avoid life.
The ironic thing about depression is that you are literally dying inside out while everyone else is living their lives around you. So I have finally decided that I have to live ...I have to move forward....if not for myself I need to do so for my kids and sweet hubby. So I am blogging again...this time not for entertainment but for journaling.
I miss my mom. I miss talking to her. I miss seeing her. I miss her laugh. I miss my mom. Part of me is so angry that she is gone...it isn't fair, it isn't fair, it isn't fair. Yes, I know the principles of the gospel, yes I know she is in a better place, yes I know, I know, I know....but it doesn't compute right now when I miss her so much. I question why did she have to go when there are so many "stupid, law-breaking, murderers, etc, etc" out there that are NOT contributing to our society and they live on....I know the gospel oriented answer....the Lord needed her more and her time here was done but I need her too and my family needs her.
Each day I set a goal for myself...today I will sew for 30 minutes to 1 hour; or today I will cook something; or today I will go to the store; or today instead of letting voicemail answer I will answer my phone myself and talk to an actual living person and hopefully tomorrow I will have the desire to join the living once again. Today my goal was to start writing my blog again. I did it. Tomorrow I will take another step into the living world.
For now the doctor is out.....sitting on her couch and crying once more because I miss my mom.
1 comment:
Oh Connie, how sweet you are. What an insightful post. How lucky your mom is to have a daughter like you that loves her that much. Although I haven't experienced a death that close to me, I do know some of how depression can take over one's life. After my accident I actually had a lot of PTS and one of those symptoms was depression. Even though I had experienced a miracle, I was still very afraid and that was coupled with the fact that I learned that I couldn't have more children. And even though I know the gospel and everything, depression still took over and it was tough. I learned from it to understand people with depression and that it's not really them or who they want to be. Depression is not who you are and you cannot always choose when it is going to hit. I am thankful that we live in a time when we understand it better than ever and have medication and things to help us. I also learned that being in the dark helps us better appreciate the light. I learned to do as you are doing and look the the future and make the most out of each day, even if it meant reaching a small goal. You are an amazing woman! How brave you've been through your hard times. I think it's okay to grieve and it's also okay to keep trying. Thanks for sharing.
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